


you were made for me

by showbenis



Series: so much i wanna do [2]
Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Blow Jobs, M/M, Making Out, Restraints, Rimming, Rough Sex, Threesome - M/M/M, also uh, also very long on like. complicated evil robots feelings?, for a threesome fic this is uh. short on threesome sex and long on kissing, generally you know. the robots get kind of rowdy! heads up, in the sense that eb holds et down a lot, just for the record there is a lot of making out, not too rowdy in this one but. if fighting as foreplay kind of stuff bothers you that's present, or don't! i don't know your life, so come for the threesome stay to Feel about the evil bots i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:48:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29026743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showbenis/pseuds/showbenis
Summary: “Oh! Dude-” He blinks, then leans around ET to lock eyes with Bill. “Dude, I don’t think the evil bots kiss.”It strikes ET that whatever he’s feeling is probably stupidly close to grody human embarrassment. He slaps at Ted’s hand on the back of his neck and turns his head, rolling his eyes. “Of course we don’t, we’re not - stupid humans. There’s no point.”When Bill and Ted find out ET and EB don't kiss, they take it on themselves to show ET how - and it leaves ET feeling totally glitchy.
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Evil Robot Ted (Bill & Ted), Evil Robot Ted/Bill S. Preston Esq./Ted "Theodore" Logan, Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Series: so much i wanna do [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128563
Comments: 17
Kudos: 65





	you were made for me

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome to this fic from evil robot ted's perspective, which literally no one asked for, but has been. Haunting Me ever since i had the idea.
> 
> in advance i would like to say: i thought it would be fun to play around a little with some actual characterization for the evil bots as they exist in my verse, having actually died and gone to hell the same way bill and ted did. i also personally like to play around with the idea that since they were made with bill and ted as the basic blueprint, they're not all bad, and they have some Feelings hiding in there to grapple with. if this is not your kettle of tea: makes sense! but please feel free to peruse the tag for the variety of other evil bot fics instead of like. getting weird about it with me. okay thank you. on with the fic
> 
> title, just like last time, from kiss' i was made for lovin' you

It turns out after they finally get their shit together, the bogus human dweebs aren’t up for a foursome - at least not yet. Instead, when they do get in touch to say thank you (EB makes a fake hurling noise next to him at that, and ET laughs into the phone) - they invite just ET over instead, to make up for Bill telling him no.

“It’s probably cause that good human you is still totally pissed at you,” ET teases EB when they hang up the phone - and in response, EB tackles him onto the bed in their shitty little motel room. He bites at ET’s neck, scratches at his ribs just hard enough to make him moan. After they tussle for a minute, ET has to shove him off, rolling off the bed underneath him so he can get ready to leave.

“Doesn’t matter anyways,” EB grumbles, watching from the bed as ET shrugs on his jacket. “I bet they’re not even that good. Bet they’re total saps when you have to put up with both of them.”

“You’re just jealous you’re not invited,” ET teases again, sticking his tongue out, and this time he dodges EB’s grip as he heads for the door. “Just wait until after, dude. If you’re right and they’re totally lame I’ll need you to fuck me after anyways. I bet they can’t even do it right.”

EB laughs, kicking his shoes off as he falls back onto the bed and turns on the TV. “You’re probably right, ET. You should just ditch them before they even get off if they suck.”

“Totally leave them hanging,” ET agrees with a laugh. He leans against the doorway for a minute, watching EB take off his hat and toss it onto a chair. He scrubs one hand through his curls, then spreads his legs open on the bed to get comfortable.

When he catches ET still looking, he waggles his eyebrows with a filthy grin and grabs at his crotch over his jeans. ET feels a little thrill of arousal work its way through his system - and it’s not like he couldn’t stay for a quickie and then still go totally fuck the brains out of those good humans after - but he just rolls his eyes and flips EB off as he heads out the door.

“Fuck you too!” EB calls after him.

“Not if I fuck you first!” ET calls back.

He can still hear EB laughing behind him, and he smiles to himself as he leaves. EB’s a total dipshit but - he’s funny, and hot, and ever since they got back from Hell, ET finds that he’s really glad to have EB around. It’s honestly totally bogus shit to even imagine what would happen if they got split up for real - so ET just doesn’t think about it. And it’s not like he likes EB or anything gross and human like that - it’s just nice to have someone around that fits so well with him. Like they go together - which, after all, they were sort of made to. Maybe it just makes sense.

He doesn’t really know what to expect, going over to their human selves’ lame little rathole apartment again, but he figures he may as well get to fuck good human Bill or whatever, since EB got to fuck that bogus human Ted way more than either of them ever expected.

ET frowns to himself, kicking an empty bottle down the sidewalk. While eventually it paid off, now that those stupid humans won’t bother them anymore now they’re finally actually together - for a little while ET sort of wished he never made that stupid bet with EB in the first place. For like a whole month he’d been at that apartment like all the time, and ET had just gotten left at the motel room, eating junk food and watching porn to try and entertain himself. The idea had started out hot - EB fucking that human who looked just like him, coming home to tell ET all the dirty shit they did - but then it had just gotten annoying. EB had kept coming home with  _ stories _ about that stupid human Ted, and laughing about it, talking about the way he blushed or whatever.

It’ll be nice to get at least a little payback.

Once he gets to the building, he makes his way up to their apartment - even if he didn’t remember the way just from their one trip together, he’d know from all the times he went to try and talk Bill into fucking him.

He’s not exactly surprised they changed their minds - not from the way Bill would alway blush, so pink all over his face, and the way he’d press one hand to the front of his jeans to try and hide his chubby every time ET got too close - but he is a little surprised human Ted’s going for it. He really must be into some weird shit, just like EB said.

He doesn’t bother knocking when he gets to the door, just shoves it open - and he finds the human versions of them already making out on the couch.

Kissing’s always seemed stupid - but in the moment, ET has to admit they look kind of hot. Ted’s laid out over the couch, his hands all spread out over Bill’s back, clutching at his shirt, holding him close. Bill’s got one leg in between Ted’s, thigh nudged up against his cock through his boxers, and they’re rubbing against each other, hips rolling together as they pant into each other’s mouths.

ET can feel his cock twitch in his jeans, responding to sight in front of him and the way his processors buzz with arousal. This Bill may not be as hot as EB - but two dudes who look like him and EB rubbing off and drooling all over each other is still enough to get him going.

“So do I get in the middle or what?” he asks, rubbing one hand over his chubby as he kicks the door shut behind himself.

Bill glances over, and sees ET - but then just keeps kissing Ted, lips moving over his cheek, down to his neck, as Ted turns his head to look.

“Oh, hey evil dude,” Ted pants out, sliding one of his hands up into Bill’s hair. “We - we thought maybe - well I guess I thought maybe it was only fair you get like, a chance with Bill or - Bill get a chance with you since me and EB were kind of -  _ Bill _ ,” Ted cuts off with a whine, throwing his head back as Bill kisses at his neck, down towards his collarbone, licking and biting over his throat.

ET unbuttons his jeans and shoves them down over his hips, stepping out of them as he makes his way towards the couch. “And does Bill actually have any ideas? Or should I just do whatever I want?”

“Bill,” Ted says again, and this time he shoves at Bill’s shoulder a little, getting him to sit back on his haunches.

For a moment, his eyes stay stuck on Ted - and ET really doesn’t get what’s so great about this bogus human version of himself - but then Bill looks over at him, mouth raw and pink, hanging open, cheeks flushed, eyes hooded, and his stomach twists.

Maybe EB’s missing out on something after all.

“I uh - Really this was Ted’s idea,” Bill says, but he’s looking back and forth now, between Ted and ET - and when ET glances down, he can actually watch Bill’s cock get harder in his boxers, and he grins and licks his lips.

“Any ideas then, dude?” ET asks, turning to lock eyes with the good human version of himself.

To his surprise, he finds Ted staring at him, too. It’s not just plain arousal on his face, the way it is on Bill’s - but there’s a flush spreading down over his neck, to go with the open curiosity in his eyes. It’s exactly the kind of expression that ET feels like he’d never see on his own face - and it’s interesting, to see the differences in action like that.

“Well I- hang on,” He sits up, too, and tugs Bill close again, leaning in to whisper in his ear. Bill keeps staring at ET, and as Ted whispers, his face goes bright red. 

ET’s visual indicators can track the way that Bill’s pulse speeds up, heart rate increasing, blood pumping, and knowing that he’s getting both of them all hot and bothered like this is kind of excellent. He just grins, tilting his head and wiggling his fingers at Bill in a little wave, and he watches as Bill swallows.

“Yeah,” Bill says finally, and his voice cracks a little. “Yeah, that sounds - good idea, Ted.”

“Okay, excellent.” Ted pulls back with a grin, and whips his head around to look at ET. A goofy little grin spreads over his face, and Bill looks back over at him, totally stupid and lovestruck, and ET has to roll his eyes at both of them.

“Do I get to know the idea, dude, or should I just start guessing? Cause I’ve got like, a list,” ET tells them, shrugging out of his jacket. Bill’s eyes lock onto him again, moving over his arms and down to his hip bones, watching as ET edges his boxers down just a little - just enough that they’re resting just above his cock, and you can see where the trail of hair under his belly button leads down into his bush. He does it on purpose, putting on a show just to watch their reactions. Even Ted is staring at him now, and ET grins.

“Uh - well-” Ted starts, standing up off the couch - but Bill reaches up, grabs his wrist and tugs him back down.

“Ted, uh - well. I think it’d be hot to - watch you guys make out. Before we do anything else.”

ET stops, thumbs still hooked under his boxers, and frowns. “Make out? Like - kissing?”

“Yeah, dude,” Ted says, scooting over to leave some space between him and Bill. “Just - like so he can watch.”

“You wanna make out with yourself that bad?” ET asks, trying to cover for the loud sort of whirring sound in his head, which feels like something is spinning out of control. He has a feeling that before he and EB died and lost some of De Nomolos’ programming in the process, kissing might have literally made him short circuit. Now, still, it sounds - totally bogus and gross utterly  _ human _ in a way that makes ET twitchy - but he doesn’t wanna look freaked out in front of the stupid humans, either.

“I mean, if Bill thinks it’s hot, sure. It’s kind of weird, making out with myself, but - you’re not exactly me. We just kinda look the same.”

ET snorts and goes over to sit in between them on the couch, spreading out his legs. “We don’t even look that much alike. Not if you’re paying attention.”

“Yeah, EB used to say that, that we like - I did stuff you’d never do. And there’s lots of ways he and Bill aren’t alike at all. Except like-” Ted cuts himself off, flushing a little. “Some stuff.”

“Like their dicks? Or how good they are at fucking you?”

Ted squirms a little, shifting his hips on the couch and wiggling where he sits next to ET. “Well. Yeah.”

Realizing that Bill’s been oddly quiet, ET turns around to look at him, and finds him just staring, eyes hooded, pupils dilated, hand resting high on his inner thigh and twitching slightly, like he wants to touch himself but isn’t sure he’s allowed. ET looks down at his crotch, at the shape of his hard cock in his boxers, and laughs. “Or how totally eager he always is. EB can’t keep his hands off me, it looks like your Bill has the same problem, huh?”

“I can’t believe Evil Bill tried to say I talk too much,” Ted mumbles, and ET turns around to face him, frowning.

“Well I don’t usually say anything when he’s busy fucking my brains out, but you guys are such pussweeds you won’t even-”

And that’s when, finally, Bill reaches out and grabs ET’s hips, hands grabbing at his bare skin and then sliding up under his shirt. “Just shut up and make out with him, dude,” Bill says, nudging him closer to Ted.

Something in ET feels sort of hard wired to shut up and listen to that voice - it’s the same tone EB usually uses in bed, and soothes his nerves a little, hearing it now - not that he’s actually nervous. It’s just - some kind of stupid glitch.

“Fine. Whatever,” ET mumbles, and he turns to face Ted. He pulls one leg up onto the couch, hooking it behind Ted’s back, and grabs him by the shoulder to pull him in close. “C’mere, dweeb.”

Ted turns to face him - and it’s not like ET wants to like him, because he’s a total dweeb - but there’s something kind of fun about the way his breath hitches when ET grabs the back of his neck and tugs his hair a little. He blushes in a way ET is pretty sure he’s incapable of, and the pink dusted over his nose, the way it looks with his big dark eyes - it’s not bad. After all - he knows he’s hot, so it just kind of makes sense that even his shitty human version is kind of hot, too, right?

The trouble is - ET doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. He looks down at Ted’s mouth, the way it’s still all red and raw from kissing Bill, and he thinks about what they were doing when he came in. Maybe he can just - try to copy it. Surely these losers are so stupid over kissing it won’t matter that he’s obviously never done it before.

It’s easy at first to grab Ted’s jaw, pull him in and bite at his bottom lip. But then - ET pushes his lips against Ted’s and sort of - freezes. It’s not a bad feeling. It’s actually sort of - nice. But then, feeling an unpleasant kind of twist in his stomach, ET pulls back, shoving at Ted’s shoulder, and turns his head away. “Is that good enough for you pussweeds? Can we get on with it?”

Ted leans up closer and brushes one hand up over the back of his neck. “Dude, no way. Come on.”

He tugs a little, and ET turns his head back - and Ted looks sort of dazed, still. His lips are damp with spit, and his hand is big and warm on the back of ET’s neck, and Bill still has his hands pushed up under ET’s shirt - and it’s strange, to be the focus of so much attention like this. Well - maybe that’s not exactly the problem. EB gives him plenty of attention - but never anything quite like this.

“I don’t-” ET starts, but he doesn’t even know what he was trying to say, so he cuts himself off with a growl. Ted looks at him with his brows all drawn up - and then his eyes widen.

“Oh! Dude-” He blinks, then leans around ET to lock eyes with Bill. “Dude, I don’t think the evil bots kiss.”

It strikes ET that whatever he’s feeling is probably stupidly close to grody human embarrassment. He slaps at Ted’s hand on the back of his neck and turns his head, rolling his eyes. “Of course we don’t, we’re not - stupid humans. There’s no point.”

“But don’t you ever just - want to?” Bill asks, rubbing his hand in gentle little circles over ET’s stomach.

It’s a stupid question, because of course ET’s never thought about that just because he wanted to - because rubbing mouths or whatever just seems stupid. But now, since they’re asking, he’s thinking about it - about EB pinning him up against the wall from the front instead of from behind. About the shape of his lips, and the way they might feel pressed against his - but EB thinks it’s as stupid as he does. And there’s no point to any of that, it doesn’t get either of them off, it’s just stupid romantic shit, the kind of shit they both hate.

“No, we’re not like you weirdos-”

“EB said like the same exact thing, dude, when he said you guys weren’t dating. You don’t have to say it and then call us fruits or something, we get it,” Ted says - but for some reason, it sticks in ET’s stomach somehow.

Of course they’re not dating. That would be stupid. They’re evil robots, and they’re just fucking for fun, they’re not dating. So why’s it so heinous that EB told Ted that?

“Okay, great, shut up, then, and let’s just-”

“Dude, if you really don’t wanna kiss me, you don’t have to,” Ted tells him, resting one gentle hand on his shoulder again. “But - it totally doesn’t suck. We could show you, if you want.”

“Like show me what, dude? What’s there to show? You just like - stick your mouths together, it can’t be that hard.”

Bill laughs, next to him, and leans up over his shoulder. “Oh, dude. No way. There’s way more to it than that.”

“How can there be more to it? What is there to even do?”

“Just let me show you, dude,” Ted says, reaching up and pressing a hand to his cheek, just enough to get ET to turn his head.

ET frowns at him and dodges his touch. It feels like something is spinning out of control again - sounds like it, too. He feels overheated, like everything’s working too fast to keep up. “Why?” He scoffs. “It sounds bogus anyways, why does it matter?”

“We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to - I’m not gonna force you, dude,” Ted says.

His expression is so genuine it’s kind of gross - and Bill’s hands are rubbing slowly up and down over ET’s chest and stomach and back, like he’s trying to soothe all the restless noises in ET’s system.

Frustrated, he grabs Ted’s jaw and pulls him close again with a frustrated little growl. “Fine just - shut up and do it, then. And if it’s totally still bogus, I’m leaving.”

Ted laughs a little, his nose scrunching up. “Whatever, evil dude,” he mumbles - and then he leans forward and presses his lips against ET’s.

At first it doesn’t feel very different. Ted’s just sort of smushing their mouths together, and ET has his mouth closed, so it’s just a boring, stupid press of closed lips.

Pulling back, Ted brushes his hand up ET’s neck and then back down again - then places his thumb on ET’s bottom lip and pulls it down slightly. “Dude, relax.”

“Stop kissing me like a pussweed, just-“ ET presses forward, teeth first, and bites at Ted’s mouth. Ted hums against him, and it feels like good feedback, so he pushes his tongue into Ted’s mouth, too - but it feels messy, and he’s not really sure what to do. His brain literally isn’t built for this, and he’s never done it. He puts his hands on Ted’s shoulders, and starts to shove him back again, but Ted just reaches up and takes his hands and then pulls back slowly, their mouths parting with a soft, wet sound.

“See? That’s not so bad, right?” He says softly.

ET blinks at him, and shakes his head a little, feeling dazed. “I - guess. It just seems stupid.”

Bill leans up over his shoulder and kisses at his neck, hands smoothing down over his stomach again. “Just - relax and let Ted kiss you, dude. He’s good at it.” He bites softly at the place just under ET’s ear, right where he’s sensitive - and Ted probably is, too.

“Fine,” he grumbles back - but it comes out softer than he meant it to. Bill still sounds so much like EB, just a little bit softer somehow, like his voice had the edges rounded off - especially when ET can’t really see him except out of the corner of his eye.

Somehow, Bill seems to catch on. He leans up close to press his lips just almost against ET’s ear. “Just open your mouth a little and let him kiss you.” He squeezes at ET’s hips, finally hard enough that he can feel it, and ET closes his eyes and parts his lips around a sigh.

Ted leans back in and kisses him, soft and slow. It’s strange to stop himself biting, or fighting back - to not feel like EB’s gonna shove him back and call him a pussweed or something, and they’ll both laugh. Instead, Ted seems intent and focused just on kissing him, his lips moving softly against ET’s, tongue brushing just delicately against his lower lip.

He realizes there’s a kind of rhythm to Ted’s motion - the way he’s moving his mouth and his tongue, the way he presses close and then pulls back a little - and the next time Ted pulls back, ET pushes forward, kissing him back. He doesn’t bite this time, he tries to keep his mouth gentle, just sucking on Ted’s bottom lip and then pressing his tongue inside, trying to move it this time like Ted moves his, trying to use it in the kiss. Ted moans properly against his mouth, and ET can finally feel himself getting turned on again, instead of just feeling embarrassed.

When he pulls back, Ted grabs the back of his neck and kisses him again, open-mouthed and desperate, sucking at his tongue - and it doesn’t even make sense, how good it all feels. ET’s lips are starting to feel tender, but the pressure feels good. Ted pushes their tongues together, and it’s a totally strange sensation that’s just enough to make ET shiver - and that’s enough to make him reach up and grab the back of Ted’s head, pushing both hands into his hair to hold him close, just to keep kissing him.

After so long that ET literally loses track of time, just loses himself in the feeling of Ted’s mouth pressed against his, Ted presses one soft kiss to his lips, then another, and pulls back, panting.

“It’s good, isn’t it?”

“It’s-” ET starts, but he opens his eyes and finds they take a moment to adjust. His whole body feels sort of like it’s buzzing - part of it is arousal, and that part he knows, but part of it seems totally new, the strange kind of sensitivity he’s feeling just from kissing. He and EB usually skip basically right to the main event, because they don’t really need a lot of prep. Sometimes EB eats him out or fingers him for fun, but only if he feels like it. Now he’s not sure he has the words for whatever this is. He shakes his head a little. “It’s - not bad.”

Ted laughs, and lets one hand fall down to rest on ET’s thigh, petting up under his boxers. “You should try kissing Bill, if you want. He’s better at it than I am. He looks like maybe he wants to,” he says, teasing a little.

ET turns enough to look at Bill, and finds him still staring at the two of them, his eyes heavy and hooded, dark from the way his pupils are dilated. He’s still biting his lip, and as he lets his mouth fall open, it’s all raw and pink. There’s a flush all over his face - and that’s the one thing that really sets him apart from EB, keeps ET grounded in the moment instead of imagining something else. Still, it looks pretty good on him.

Bill blinks a little, and shakes his head, and laughs as he looks over ET’s shoulder at Ted. “I’m not better at it than you, dude.”

Ted shrugs, and laughs. “Of course you don’t think that, dude - but I bet he could still learn more stuff from you.”

“Well, maybe,” Bill admits, and his eyes shift to ET’s. “What do you think, evil dude? You wanna kiss me?”

“Yeah, okay,” ET says, still strangely breathless from kissing Ted.

“C’mere and kiss me then,” Bill says, pushing his hand up into ET’s hair and tugging, just a little. It’s a gentle pull, somehow, nowhere near enough to hurt, and all this softness is leaving ET totally off balance.

He has to pull his leg out from behind Ted, and turn his hips on the couch so he’s facing Bill instead. Ted pushes up behind him, then, hands pressed against his waist, chest against his back, leaning over ET’s shoulder just like Bill had. Unlike Bill, he rubs his cheek against ET’s shirt, and his skin, moving restlessly against him.

They both keep touching him so much, hands all over him, just gently brushing over his skin, warm and soft. It makes him feel sort of pulled in all directions, just distracted enough to stay out of his own head - so when Bill pulls him in again, ET just leans forward and kisses him, soft and a little bit messy.

Instead of pulling back to correct him the way Ted did, Bill just pulls back slightly and bites at his bottom lip, then brushes their lips together - just a touch. ET, feeling chastised, lets his mouth fall open and waits for Bill to kiss him.

After one strangely aching moment, he does.

Where Ted was slow and gentle, clearly letting ET match his movements and learn to copy him, Bill kisses him hard and deep right from the start. It’s not biting, not rough, but he thrusts his tongue into ET’s mouth and tugs him closer when ET moans around it. It’s different from the kind of focus Ted had, like he wanted ET to be able to follow him - now Bill seems determined to find every single thing that makes ET lose his focus and use it against him.

Each time ET tries to kiss back, and tries to get some of his control back, either Bill will kiss him harder or Ted will press closer against his back, brush his hands over ET’s skin and kiss at his neck until he moans out loud, and Bill can be the one to kiss him harder again.

When Bill finally pulls back, ET drifts forward, following his mouth, and Bill just kisses him one more time before he pushes his thumb against ET’s lips instead, and ET licks over it, still lost to the feeling of it all.

“Ted, I think you should kiss him again - I think he wants you to.”

“Yeah? You want me to?” Ted asks, gently turning his head, and all ET can do is nod, leaning forward with his eyes closed until Ted catches his mouth in another kiss.

He’s sloppy, now, as he kisses back, but Ted doesn’t seem to mind, smiling a little into their kiss, happily petting over the back of ET’s neck and steering him towards a slow, lingering kiss again. ET feels lost and overloaded in a way he usually only gets either right before or right after he gets off. At least then it makes sense that he can barely keep track of all his limbs, that everything still feels hazy and good, all over-sensitive with pleasure. Now he can’t explain what has him feeling like this. He has no excuse for the way he’s moaning into Ted’s mouth, the way he arches into Bill’s hands as they slide over his chest, the way when Bill grabs him by the chin, and tugs him back over, he kisses him eagerly.

His lips starts to feel raw, wet and used in a way he usually only feels when he’s let EB fuck his mouth. Now, though, it’s just from the way Bill and Ted keep turning his head back and forth, each of them kissing him until he’s dizzy with it, then turning his head and kissing him some more. If it wasn’t for the distinct shape of their mouths and the way they kiss, he feels like he would have lost track of who was kissing him ages ago.

Nothing above the waist has ever felt this good. ET feels like he could stay here for hours, let Bill and Ted both cover him in spit and not even touch his cock and he’d still go home satisfied. He has no idea why, but he doesn’t have the brain power to try and figure it out anymore.

When Ted pulls away, and Bill doesn’t push forward again, ET lets out a sound he’s never heard himself make before. He’d be embarrassed, if he was capable, but instead he just fists a hand in Bill’s shirt, turns his head that way and rubs his face against the fabric.

“You still good, evil dude?” Ted asks softly, petting his fingers over the small of ET’s back.

ET nods, and Bill pushes his hair back off his face to watch him do it.

“I think he’s fine, dude. It’s just like - that thing that happens when you get overwhelmed sometimes, you know? I didn’t even know that could happen to like - robots.”

“I guess they are robots based on us,” Ted says. “It seems like - good overwhelmed, though.”

“Yeah, but we should probably still be gentle with him.”

ET grunts at them and finally lifts his head up, blinking. “You don’t have to be gentle with me, dweebs.”

Bill snorts. “I guess that’s what we get for trying to be nice.”

For some reason, though, that makes something sink in ET’s stomach. He drops his head back down to Bill’s shoulder and wraps an arm around his waist. “Just tell me what else you wanted, unless you just invited me over here to kiss me or - whatever.”

Ted laughs a little and nuzzles at the back of his neck. “I don’t know, dude, I think we got kinda side-tracked.”

“I guess the idea was I was supposed to fuck you since EB got his chance with Ted and everything but-” Bill laughs a little, and ET can feel the way Ted leans closer over top of him to get closer to Bill. “I don’t think I could last that long, watching you two make out and then - with all the kissing and stuff. I’m kind of worked up.”

ET lifts his head and finds Bill and Ted kissing right in front of him, mouths pressed together over his shoulder. He watches the way Bill’s jaw works, the way Ted looks as lost in it as he still feels, and he leans back in to nuzzle at Bill’s jaw, to press his lips against his neck.

The two of them look so comfortable together, kissing like ET isn’t even there. It doesn’t bother him the way he would have expected it to - at least for the moment he just enjoys watching them, feeling them still pressed close on either side. He has a feeling that after this, later when he’s back at the motel, he’s going to be thinking about this - and he has no idea how he’ll explain any of this to EB.

He can’t really make fun of them right now. He doesn’t even really want to. He’s not happy for them, because that would be stupid, and gross - but the two of them make sense together. They fit, the same way he and EB do.

Thinking about that, though, makes ET think about the kind of dumb shit he doesn’t actually like thinking about, so he bites hard enough at Bill’s neck to leave a mark, enough to make him pull back and jump a little.

“Whoa, evil dude,” he says, rubbing over the mark.

ET licks his lips and shrugs. “What? I was getting bored. And I had an idea.”

Bill narrows his eyes. “I don’t know if we should trust your ideas.”

“I don’t know, dude, EB had a lot of good ideas,” Ted tells him with a smile and a laugh.

A kind of shadow passes over Bill’s face, then - and ET realizes he’s not the only one who still feels sort of bogus about EB and Ted’s arrangement.

“And I feel like you thought I had a lot of good ideas, Bill, the way you totally chubbed up in your jeans whenever I used to come try to talk to you. Just cause you wouldn’t let me do anything,” ET trails off, kissing Bill’s neck again, and flicking his eyes over at Ted to watch his reaction.

He doesn’t look as bothered, though, as ET still feels. Probably because Bill was too nice to actually ever do anything. Pussweed.

Bill’s flush deepens, though, and he pushes his hand against the small of ET’s back, and then brushes his fingertips under the waistband of his boxers. “I mean - okay, maybe the ideas weren’t bad. I just - would have felt weird about it.”

“Well now you’ve got your boyfriend’s permission,” ET grumbles - but that just makes Bill light up with a big goofy smile as he and Ted lock eyes again.

“Yeah,” he says, all soft and gooey, and ET finally slides off the couch onto his knees and rolls his eyes at both of them.

“Okay, before you dudes totally kill the mood, I’m gonna suck you off together.”

“Suck - huh?” Bill says, turning to look down at him.

ET shakes his hair out of his face and glances back and forth between them. “If you take your boxers off, and you sit facing each other, and find a way to get your legs out of the way, you can press your dicks together and I’ll suck both of you off at the same time.”

“Whoa,” the two of them say together.

After a brief moment, they both scramble out of their boxers while ET just watches them from the floor. There’s a little bit of awkwardness while they figure out how to arrange their legs, but the two of them just giggle through it, holding onto each other’s hands for balance. They end up facing each other on the couch, straddling each other with their legs overlapping.

Ted has one arm around Bill’s waist, holding him close, and the other hand he wraps carefully around both of their cocks, both of them shivering with it.

“I mean we’ve kind of done this part before,” Bill says softly, thrusting up into Ted’s hand, rubbing their dicks together.

Nodding, Ted lets his head fall forward onto Bill’s shoulder. “Yeah, but - not like this.”

“Definitely not like this,” ET tells them. He scoots forward, until his knees are bumping against the couch, and then leans forward to lick over both of them where Ted has them already pressed together. 

He wraps his hand around Ted’s, squeezing a little harder, and watches as precum dribbles from the head of Bill’s cock. He licks over it, then rubs his lips there, just letting his mouth catch against the sensitive vein right by the head of Bill’s dick - he assumes it’s sensitive, because EB is, there, and the way Bill twitches in his hand seems to indicate he was right. With his mouth still a mess, he pulls back fully and licks over his lips, and he can hear Bill moan in response.

There’s not a good way for him to watch them while he sucks them off, the way they’re all arranged. Instead, he just drags his hand up over their cocks, jerking them slowly, and when he pushes back down, Ted finally pulls his hand away and lets ET take over. He grins and ducks over them again, spitting over the heads of their dicks and watching as it slides down their skin, using it to slick both of them up, make it a little smoother the next time he pulls his hand up.

They’re both so hard they’re twitching, leaking precum all over his fist, shaking as they try not to thrust up into his hand - so when he finally leans down to wrap his lips around both of them at once, just the heads of their cocks tucked inside the warm heat of his mouth, he’s not surprised to hear the way they both moan out loud.

He can’t fit all of both of them in his mouth, but he can probably fit more than either of them could. Still, he keeps jerking both of them with his hand, licking at what he can reach with his tongue, and his open mouth is a mess of drool and precum, running down his chin, all over both of them and his hand.

It’s easy to sort of lose himself in the sensation again. The way they smell, and taste, all sharp and salty but without any of the synthetic aftertaste he and EB have. He sucks at both of them as best he can, then drags his tongue all the way up between their lengths, trying to clean them up just a little, really only making all of them messier in the process. He rubs his mouth against them again, then licks over both of their heads, jerks them off properly - and soon Bill is shooting off, cum landing all over ET’s open mouth and his cheeks and his tongue. 

ET squeezes both of them one last time, just to hear Bill moan and whimper, and then he turns his focus to Ted, adjusting his angle and then sinking down over him, taking him in all the way to the back of his throat, swallowing around him.

Ted’s moans go all high-pitched, and ET can tell that Bill’s leaning close, probably kissing his neck and whispering dirty shit in his ear. He just sinks down even further, just to prove that he can, pressing his nose against the wiry curls at the base of Ted’s cock, pressing his tongue up against the underside, swallowing around him again. Ted cries out so loud it’s a little bit ridiculous, but it gets muffled and ET can only assume Bill leaned in to kiss him quiet.

His cum hits the back of ET’s throat, and he swallows it all before he pulls off, wiping his own thumb over his mouth and then sucking it clean as he looks up at both of them.

Ted’s leaned back against the couch now, head tilted back against the pillows, but Bill’s looking down at ET, his cheek pressed against Ted’s shoulder, his hand moving up and down over Ted’s chest.

“You’re way good at that, dude,” Bill tells him, panting.

“Maybe better than EB, actually” Ted agrees, reaching out blindly and resting his hand on top of ET’s head, pushing fingers through his hair.

ET actually laughs at that, pushing his hair back off his face to make sure he doesn’t get cum in it. “He’d be totally pissed that you said that. Now he’s gonna wanna have like a blowjob competition, dude.”

“I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon,” Bill tells him, grinning back at him, and ET just shrugs and pushes himself up onto the couch, squeezing in between the two of them again.

He sort of expects for some reason that now he’s finished both of them off, he’ll be shoved out the door and sent home, so he startles when Ted’s open mouth lands on his cheek. He licks over ET’s skin and steadies himself with one big, gentle hand on ET’s neck.

“We gotta get you cleaned up, dude,” Ted says, laughing softly against his cheek.

“Yeah, you’re kind of a mess, huh,” Bill adds, wiping his thumb under ET’s chin and then following it with his mouth.

“You aren’t gonna just - wipe me off or something?” he asks, turning his head a little to try and catch Ted’s eyes.

Instead, when he turns, Ted kisses him again, both of them sloppy now that their mouths are all red and slick with spit and cum. ET shudders, slumping towards Ted, giving in to the kiss, and Bill leans down to nuzzle against his shoulder and laughs.

“And get a washcloth all messy dude? Seems like a waste.”

Breathing heavy, he turns his head away from Ted’s kiss just to pant, and Ted kisses over his cheek, and his jaw, down to his neck.

“EB wasn’t kidding about you dudes being way dirtier than we thought,” he pants out, and Bill just laughs and kisses him again.

His lips are so raw, the warmth and the pressure of Bill’s mouth on his feels better than he would have expected, and he moans into the kiss. It’s so easy to lose himself in it, to fall back into the same headspace from earlier, to let all his stupid thoughts fall away under Ted’s hands and Bill’s mouth and the way both of him are totally focused on him.

When his head falls back with another moan, Bill kisses down over his neck, and Ted is still on the other side of his face. Bill’s hand moves down to the front of his boxers, stroking roughly over his cock, which he realizes is still desperately hard.

Usually, ET has some control over how close he is, or how likely he is to come. He and EB fuck for hours sometimes before they get off, just because they can - or a few times they’ve tried to see just how many orgasms they can fit in a day, or tried to beat their record. Now, ET feels so glitchy, so totally out of his head, that he has no idea how long he’s going to last. He’s not close yet, but he feels like whatever has taken over his system is going to make him totally overload not on purpose for the first time in his life.

He bucks up into Bill’s touch, and shudders. “What - what are you guys gonna do?”

“I dunno, dude, but we totally owe you one, right?” Bill says, mumbling it against his skin.

“Maybe two,” Ted agrees with a laugh.

“What do you  _ want _ us to do?” Bill presses, lifting his head up to meet ET’s eyes.

“I don’t know, dweeb, just - get me off,” ET pants out, trying to cover for how desperate he feels.

Grinning, Bill shifts his hand away from ET’s cock, moving it down to his thigh and squeezing there gently. “Say please then, dude.”

“Wh- no way,” ET tells him, bucking his hips up. He goes to touch himself but Ted catches his hand, laughing a little before sucking ET’s fingers into his mouth.

He groans, loud and frustrated, and leans over to bite at Bill’s shoulder. “You can’t make me,” he grumbles.

“Nah, and we wouldn’t just like - leave you hanging either way, probably. But it’ll be more fun if you say please.”

“Fun for who?”

Ted lets go of his hand and laughs right by his ear, tugging at the lobe with his teeth before he kisses his way down ET’s neck. “For you, evil dude. If you say please, maybe we’ll do something nice.”

“I don’t like nice,” he says, speaking so fast he nearly stumbles over his words.

“I think you do, duder. At least sometimes.”

The whirring sound is back. And ET feels so overheated he might just explode. It really is just embarrassing now, how much they’ve figured out, how much they can see all the stupid shit he’s trying to hide, how much they know stuff he didn’t even know about himself. At this point, he’s willing to do anything just to make them stop talking about it.

He clenches his fist in the fabric of Bill’s shirt, and rubs his face there. Then he grits his teeth. “Please?” He forces out.

“C’mon, dude, you can do better than that,” Bill tells him, nuzzling against his hair. He reaches down, too, and rubs over ET’s cock again, and ET can’t stop himself from gasping.

His next attempt comes out on a gasp, all whiny and desperate, and he sounds more like Ted than himself when he says “Please - please, Bill.”

“See? Easy,” Bill says, and he places his hands on ET’s jaw and pulls him up for another kiss.

He doesn’t even notice Ted sinking to the floor until he feels his boxers being tugged down, and he has to lift his hips to help shimmy out of them. Breaking away from the kiss, he looks down to watch as Ted wraps one hand around his cock and drags his hand all the way up to the tip, just once. He pushes up into the friction and groans, and Bill just keeps kissing him, over his cheek, down to his jaw.

“Kind of weird from this angle,” Ted says quietly, laughing a little. Then he leans in and licks over the head of ET’s cock, tongue pushing under his foreskin, licking around him, cleaning up all the precum that’s already gathered there. ET throws his head back, and thrusts his hips up just slightly, but Ted wraps a hand around his hip and presses down, trying to keep him still.

Bill presses one more kiss against ET’s jaw, bites him there gently, and then sinks to his knees in front of ET, right next to Ted. “Here, let me help, dude.”

ET assumes that Bill’s going to hold his hips in place, maybe start paying more attention to Ted while Ted sucks him off - but instead, Bill leans in and licks over Ted’s fingers where they’re still wrapped around ET’s cock. It prompts Ted to let go, and then both of them start licking over him, tongues trailing all the way down to his bush, mouthing at him, taking turns sucking the head into their mouths.

They are holding him down together, to keep him from bucking up as much - and while he could probably break free, he doesn’t really want to. He’s just watching them, mouth hanging open, as they lick over him again and meet at the head of his cock. They kiss, tongues pushing together, and he’s caught in the middle as they both moan into it.

The wet heat and the vibration of their moans makes him dig his heels into the carpet, trying not to lose it. This is nothing like EB sucking him off, and the brand new sensation makes it that much better - that and the sight of it all, Bill and Ted, eyes closed, both mouthing at his cock, lost in each other as much as the taste of him.

He’s close already, but not so overwhelmed he can’t keep himself from coming. Everything feels good, though, warm and sensitive. The way their hands press into his hips, the way their lips feel, all of it. He tilts his head back and rubs it against the couch cushions, enjoying the sensation, feeling shivery and electric all over.

Looking away, though, means he’s not watching as Bill noses down towards his balls, kissing him there, sucking one of them into his mouth for a moment before he keeps kissing his way back.

ET makes a noise, something that must come out like a question, because when he looks down, Bill’s looking up at him. He lifts one of ET’s legs over his shoulder, and licks his lips as he presses just the tips of his fingers against his hole.

Ted sucks on his cock again, hard enough that ET moans, and all he can do is nod as he falls back against the cushions again, grabbing at the couch with his hands, trying to ground himself.

As soon as Bill’s tongue presses against his hole, though, it’s all useless.

EB eats him out all the time, they’re both pros at sucking each other off - but he’s never had both happen at the same time. Bill licks and sucks at him until he can push his tongue inside, and Ted jerks him off while he’s still sucking at the head of his cock, and everything is wet and hot and messy. ET can feel it in his stomach and his chest and even the tips of his fingers and toes as he finally gets to come.

He moans his way through it, and loses track of most of what’s happening until Ted leans up to kiss him, mouth still messy with ET’s cum. ET kisses him back without hesitating, enjoying the way that Bill groans as he watches them.

The two of them keep kissing until well after the mess on their mouths is only spit, and all the cum’s been cleaned up. When Ted finally pulls away, ET leans back against the couch, breathing heavy, and looks up at the ceiling.

“You think we broke him?” Ted asks, laughing a little as he rubs his hand up and down over ET’s thigh.

“Nah, he’ll be fine. Right, evil dude?”

ET groans, shaking his head to try and clear it a little, still feeling hazy in the wake of - whatever just happened. “Uh - obviously. Dickweeds.” It doesn’t have the sting, though, it would have before. Slowly, he leans down to pick up his boxers and shimmies them back on, trying not to think too hard about the way he’s still damp with Bill and Ted’s spit. It makes him want to stay for another round - but he’s already got a lot to process, and EB’s still waiting back at the motel.

He already has no fucking clue how he’s going to talk about any of this when he gets home, and he feels like if he actually let either of them fuck him, or both of them, he really might short circuit - at least right now.

Neither of them try to stop him as he stands on shaking legs and gathers up the rest of his clothes to put them back on. Instead, they scoot in closer together and go back to kissing, hands moving each other’s skin like they’re checking in, just feeling over all the same familiar places.

Once he’s dressed, ET goes over and nudges his foot against Bill’s leg. “I gotta go back to the motel. But - call if you decide you wanna do it again. Maybe actually invite EB next time.”

“Totally,” Ted tells him with a grin and a little laugh.

Bill shrugs and smiles. “Why not, dude? Come back whenever, just call first. I think we’re both in.”

“Station,” ET says, wiggling his thumb and pinky finger at them. He hesitates for a second before he turns, though, and then he leans down and kisses Bill one more time, slow and lingering. He turns, and kisses Ted, too, licking over his mouth, and then he stands and turns to head for the door. “Catch you later, Bill and Ted,” he calls over his shoulder, trying to sound less affected than he feels.

“Catch you later, Evil Ted,” they both call after him, and he shuts the door on his way out, already feeling overheated again.

This is way too much for one robot to take.

It’s actually still day outside, and he squints into the sunlight as he makes his way downstairs and back out of the apartment complex. He feels dazed, sort of like he left some part of his processors back in Bill and Ted’s apartment, and now he’s not really running at full speed.

In spite of all the weird thoughts trying to sneak in around the edges, though, he just keeps telling himself that once he’s home with EB, everything will snap back into place.

As soon as he pushes open the door to their room, for a second it seems like it does. Everything else is the same. EB is watching some stupid movie on television, something with enough mindless violence to keep him entertained. ET scoffs and takes off his jacket and his shoes, and when he kicks one off he aims it right at EB, just to laugh when it hits him in the side. He comes over and tackles ET onto the bed, and the familiar weight on top of him, EB’s hands tight around his wrists, all of it grounds him even more than he expected.

He’s not totally fucked, then. The stupid humans didn’t bust him up totally beyond repair.

He struggles under EB, breaks free with one hand just to pinch him in the side, and wrestles around with him until they settle side by side on the bed.

“Well you didn’t come home with a chubby, so either they actually got you off or they did so bad you never even got turned on - which one is it, dude?” EB asks him with a grin.

The trouble is - that grin looks nothing like Bill, and ET is happier to see it than he should be. He wants to reach out, trace the shape of it with his fingers, press his own lips against EB’s, kiss him instead of that stupid bogus human version of him - and that’s when he knows he’s fucked.

Shaking his head, he elbows EB in the side one more time and then sits up, ducking behind his hair. “They sucked me off, dude, it wasn’t that bad. They’re - bogus, and total saps, but we already knew that. But they-” ET doesn’t really know how to finish what he really wants to say without sounding ridiculous. He huffs out through his nose. “They were fine. They said you could come next time if you want.”

“Excellent. I bet we could totally tag team them. Or maybe me and that stupid good me could just watch you and Ted - for a stupid human version of you he’s really still pretty freaky, I bet he’d do it, dude.”

“I mean, probably, he seemed into it today,” ET mumbles.

He can hear the bed creak as EB rushes to sit up. “Oh yeah? What’d you guys do?”

“We just like - fooled around and Bill watched, I guess he is into the same shit you are.”

“Sounds hot,” EB tells him, pressing up against his back and biting at his neck hard enough to leave a mark. “You should tell me about it.”

It’s exactly what ET had been trying not to think about. Of course EB wants to hear about it - and he can try to skip over the kissing, just talk about the blowjobs and stuff, but he’s already stuck thinking about it again. With his eyes closed he can almost still feel the slow lingering way Ted kissed him, the way Bill pushed his tongue into his mouth, the way it left him almost drunk on it.

Worse than just his own brain totally going haywire, his system starts speeding up again, too, buzzing and clicking out of control, his skin heating up.

“Whoa,” EB mutters, pulling back slightly, keeping his hand pressed over ET’s stomach. “Evil Ted, dude, what’s that?”

“Nothing,” he bites back, shoving EB’s hand away and scooting further over on the bed. “Just - a stupid glitch or something.”

“Dude, what did they do to you?” EB asks quietly.

“Nothing, dude! Just - God, it doesn’t matter, it’s probably just a stupid - virus or something, I don’t know, they made me do stupid human shit and now I feel - weird, but it’ll probably go away soon.”

EB leans closer to him again, but doesn’t reach out to touch him. “They said they weren’t gonna try to kill us again, Ted promised.” His voice is low and rough - angry, in a way ET’s only ever heard him when he used to talk about De Nomolos.

Somehow, it just makes ET feel worse. “They didn’t try to kill me, they just-” He sighs, and speaks so quietly he’s practically whispering. “They kissed me. And I think it fucked something up. So I don’t wanna like, talk about it, but I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna die, I’ll be fine.”

“They kissed you?” EB asks, back to his normal stupidly loud volume.

ET shoves him back and stands up. “Yeah, whatever, laugh it up, dipshit. They - figured out we don’t do it, but Bill wanted to watch so-” He stops himself and huffs, heading into the bathroom. “Whatever, I’m gonna wipe off. I’m still all - covered in human spit, it’s grody.”

He strips out of his clothes, down to his underwear, and grabs a washcloth. Because he and EB don’t actually sweat or anything, and the shower would totally junk up their insides if water got somewhere it shouldn’t, this is usually all they do after sex, just wipe off their synthetic skin and be done with it.

He’s still cleaning up his stomach when EB comes and leans in the doorway.

“Can’t you take a hint, dipshit?” ET asks him.

“Those stupid good human uses wouldn’t just kiss you if you didn’t want them to,” EB says.

The whirring in his chest gets loud again, and fed up, ET finally thumps at his own stupid metal body loud enough that he can hear it, trying to get it all to shut up. “I didn’t wanna seem like a pussweed, I tried to get it over with, and then, like I said they - figured out I’d never done it before. I don’t know what else you want me to tell you about it dude, it’s fucking stupid, and once the stupid glitch works out it won’t matter again. If we go back over there, I’ll just tell them to fuck off.”

“So you still - think it’s gross,” EB says - but it doesn’t even sound like a question.

It’s not a question, of course. If it’s a question then EB wants to know, but he doesn’t - even if he did it would just be so he could give ET shit about it until the malfunction stops happening. ET finishes wiping himself off and sighs, shoving back out of the bathroom past EB. “Of course I do, don’t be a dipshit.”

“Right, yeah, totally.” EB says.

He sounds weirdly distracted - but ET can’t really make himself turn to look. Instead, he grabs some clothes out of their shared dresser, one of EB’s stupid cropped shirts and a pair of pajama pants, and he slides them on before he falls back onto his bed.

“ET-” EB starts, but then he pauses again.

“What, dude?” ET asks, crossing his arms as he turns.

“You - are you sure I shouldn’t just check out that glitch? Like - maybe there’s something weird just stuck in there or something, maybe I should look.”

ET snorts. “If you go poking around in there you’re totally just gonna make it worse, dude. You’d probably pull the wrong wire and - shut my whole system down or something. And we don’t have anybody around to fix us anymore.”

There’s a long moment of silence. EB’s just staring at the television, though, so ET assumes he’s gotten distracted again and forgotten about the whole thing. He squirms around on the bed until he’s comfortable, and fixes his own eyes on the television.

Unfortunately, it turns out the movie that’s on is the Terminator 2, and that even makes ET wince a little. “Dude, why are you watching this?”

“Huh?” EB says, turning to look at ET.

“You know this movie always pisses you off, and not in like - the fun way. We should watch something shitty you can make fun of.”

Instead of changing the channel, EB just turns off the television and turns onto his side to look at ET. “Evil Ted?” His voice is oddly serious.

ET can almost feel another stupid glitch creeping up on him, so he just whacks himself in the chest and shakes his head, trying to stop it before it starts. “Yeah, Evil Bill?”

“I - Dude, I really think you should let me take a look at that.”

Clenching his hands into fists, ET sits up and groans. “Fuck, dude, fine, if it’ll make you shut up about it. Nothing’s wrong, it’s just - it’s nothing.”

That’s a lie, because it’s not exactly nothing. The dumb, bogus humans probably just gave him some kind of stupid human feeling problem, though, and it’ll just work itself out in a day or two.

Then again, if somehow EB can find a way to turn it back off again, and stop ET from having all these weird thoughts about him, maybe that would be for the best. Then they could just go back to fucking like normal, and ET wouldn’t have to worry about saying or doing something stupid on accident. Because right now - he feels like he’s already come close, and he should know better. He shouldn’t even be capable of shit like that.

EB comes over to sit beside him on the bed, and ET groans as he pulls his shirt back off, rolling his eyes even as he pulls open his chest cavity so EB can have a look inside.

He watches with a strange kind of fascination as EB sticks a hand gently inside his chest, making sure he doesn’t move too fast and tug anything out of place. It’s weird because for all they’ve played around, they haven’t fucked with their wires or anything since their brush with Death - but it’s even weirder because he’s never seen EB be this gentle.

His hand brushes against something, and ET giggles a little involuntarily, jumping slightly. EB freezes, and looks up at him, and ET frowns back.

“Tickles, dipshit, be careful.”

“Yeah, okay,” EB says, but he keeps looking up at ET’s face for a minute before he looks back down and gently pushes things out of the way so he can see better. “I guess - it doesn’t look that different, but - I don’t actually know what it’s supposed to look like,” he admits.

ET sighs and scoots back a little. “That was my whole point, you-” He goes to push EB’s hand out, though, and he bumps something that makes everything go all - buzzy. ET’s visuals flicker for a second, and his grip tightens on EB’s hand before he loses his strength for a second, and he falls back onto the bed before everything seems to reboot, leaving him staring up at the ceiling.

“ET-”

“I told you not to mess with shit, you-”

But he stops, because EB scrambles over to lean over him, cupping ET’s face gently in his hands. With his chest cavity still open, the whirring is louder than ever, and ET’s running so hot he feels like he’d burn anybody other than EB if they tried to touch him.

“Evil Ted, dude, are you okay?

He reaches up and wraps his hands around EB’s wrists, just holding them where they are. “I’m fine. You just - nudged something weird, dude. I told you not to poke around in there.”

“Yeah, but you-” EB blinks down at him, and glances down at his chest. “I thought you were dead, dude.”

“Well - not yet,” ET says, trying to make a joke.

EB doesn’t laugh, though. “Dude, I-” He lets go of ET’s face, shaking his head, and reaches down to pull ET’s chest cavity shut. “I guess you were right. I’m sure whatever it is, it’ll just - work itself out.”

The way he just thought, for one desperate, aching moment, that EB was going to kiss him, kind of seems to indicate the problem isn’t going away. ET just sits up, though, and pulls his shirt back on. “Yeah. Probably,” he mumbles. He shakes his head again, trying to clear it, and smooths a hand over the seam on his chest.

Everything kind of - hurts now, but he’s not sure why. It could be the malfunction, could be whatever EB hit, but for a moment ET just kind of sits with it, hoping it’ll all go away.

He wants EB to touch him again - not because he wants to fuck, but because he wants the comforting weight of his body pressed close, wants him to block out all the shitty distractions - wants his attention back. He can’t ask for it, though, because he doesn’t know how. All he can do is sit on the bed and fidget, tugging on the hem of EB’s shirt.

“You wanna go steal some snacks from the Circle K or something?” ET suggests, just to say something, to try and distract himself and EB both.

“I think you should probably take it easy, dude,” EB tells him.

Frustrated, ET groans. “Why are you being so fucking weird? You hit the wrong thing, maybe I’ve got a stupid glitch, it doesn’t matter, I’m fine.”

“Yeah, but you-” He feels as EB leans closer, then away again. “I thought you weren’t. And I know we said we wouldn’t talk about - I know we both saw weird shit when we were in Hell, after we split up. And we said we wouldn’t talk about it, because it’s stupid, but - I can’t stop thinking about it.”

It’s not at all what ET expected him to say next. He turns to EB and blinks at him, but EB’s looking down at the bed, picking at the shitty quilt, and all ET can do is watch his fingers moving. “What’d you see then?”

“You - you got like, scrapped for parts. I couldn’t figure out how to put you back together. I’m not - smart enough to figure it out, dude, if something happens.”

It feels like there’s something stuck in ET’s throat. He swallows past it and scoots closer to EB on the bed, just close enough that they’re almost touching - not quite. “But that’s not gonna happen, dude. Those - bogus human uses have that booth and stuff, and they don’t hate us now, maybe they could help.”

“Yeah,” EB says softly, but he still won’t look up.

“Evil Bill, dude,” ET says, but when he reaches over to touch him, EB stands up, laughing.

“That’s - fucked, right? Weird. The shit down there.”

For a second, his hand hovers uselessly in the air, but then he just drops it back to the bed. “Yeah. Totally.”

“What did - what did you see?”

What he saw wasn’t so different from Evil Bill’s - and he’s done his own fair share of thinking about it. The way EB’s eyes looked all powered down. The way it’d felt to shake him around when he couldn’t fight back. He knows it’s probably why he’s so weird and paranoid now about what he would do if EB left - why he hated it so much when he kept getting left alone.

Now, he shrugs. “Basically the same thing, just - fucked up Hell stuff, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“You’re probably right,” EB says, and he shakes his head and tugs on his hat a little. Then he takes it off and tosses it onto his bed, just walking back and forth as he rubs his hands through his hair. “But what if- I mean. Did you-”

Feeling overheated and confused again, ET growls and sticks his leg out to stop EB from pacing anymore. “If you wanna talk about your feelings or some shit, why don’t you just go talk to Bill and Ted? Spit it out or shut up, dude.”

Obviously pissed off, EB turns to face him. He makes his own frustrated sound, and then pounces onto ET on the bed, knees on either side of his hips, hands shoving at his shoulders as they both topple back against the pillows. As they settle, EB’s face is hovering over him, and his hands are gripping ET’s arms hard.

Relief floods him instantly, and he closes his eyes, tilting his face up towards EB.

“You - just shut the fuck up. Or I’m gonna - kiss you,” EB tells him.

ET’s eyes flutter open again, and EB’s still staring down at him, his brow furrowed. He wiggles his wrists, just barely in EB’s grip, just enough to make him press down harder, and then he sighs. “Bet you won’t. Pussweed,” he taunts, lifting his head up just slightly.

It gets him exactly what he knew it would, and EB leans down, pressing their mouths together in a desperate, clumsy kiss.

With his wrists still pressed against the bed, all ET can do is wrap his legs around EB’s hips to keep him close. He kisses back, too, trying to remember the way Ted kissed him, the slow searching movement and the lingering presses of his tongue.

As EB lingers, he slows down, and the kiss - shifts. They’re both lingering now, their mouths moving together, somehow perfectly synced, just like always. He knows that EB barely knows what he’s doing, that objectively this is probably a worse kiss than all the other ones he got today - but it feels so familiar and so comfortable to do this with EB. He loses the strange discomfort from earlier, just sinking into the same all-over sensitivity, the same kind of quiet in his brain - but now if he bites, EB bites back. If he squirms the right way, EB presses closer, resting his full weight on top of him.

The kiss slows down further, their lips pressing and catching, making wet sounds as they start to pull apart and keep coming back together.

Finally, EB pulls back, looking dazed. His eyes seem unfocused, and his mouth is all red. “Oh fuck,” he says - and it’s close to a moan.

ET squeezes his thighs around EB’s hips. “I know, dude. It’s good.”

His eyes lock onto ET’s properly, and he stares with his mouth parted. “Why’s it so good? It doesn’t even make sense.”

Laughing, ET finally wiggles one of his wrists free and slides that hand up into EB’s hair, tugging him down closer. “That’s what I said - it’s almost better than getting off, it just - keeps going.”

“I knew you wanted to kiss me,” EB mumbles against his mouth, kissing him slow and deep before he pulls back just a little. “Dipshit.”

“Dickweed,” ET says, and then he pulls EB back down into another kiss, pressing his tongue into his mouth, licking in deep, then pulling back and sucking EB’s tongue into his mouth instead.

EB groans against him, and ET moans back, and EB starts pushing his hips down against ET’s stomach. The stupid noises start again, the heat, the feeling of his whole body going into overdrive - but when he breaks the kiss and pulls back, he realizes it isn’t just him - it’s EB, too. His skin is hot to the touch, even hotter than usual, and ET can feel the motion of his internal processors - hear it, too.

“Dude,” ET says softly.

EB blinks at him, and then glances down at both of their chests. “I guess it’s-”

“Contagious?” ET says, at the same time EB says “Not a glitch.”

They lock eyes again, and snort.

“I think if De Nomolos was still - like, in control, we’d be totally fried,” ET tells him.

EB nods. “Yeah, probably but - maybe this is just cause we’re - not used to it? Or not built for it?”

“For kissing?” ET asks, glancing at EB’s mouth.

“For feeling, dude,” EB says softly. He whispers it like there’s anybody around to overhear them or give them shit for it but - there’s not. And ET could give him shit for it, pretend he doesn’t know what he means - but he’s tired of it.

Instead, he shakes his hair out of his face and presses his thumb against EB’s cheek. “I guess you’re right,” he admits.

For one long moment, they just look at each other. Then, in unison, they say, “Pussweed,” and laugh.

The great thing about EB is - ET doesn’t need him to say anything more than that. He doesn’t have to say anything else either - they understand each other. They could drag out more of their bullshit feelings, see if they could cry about it, but what’s the point? Now that they both know what’s on their minds, what they’re dealing with - it’s done. They can both stop worrying that they’re alone. They’ve got each other, just like always.

To shut himself up as much as anything, he tugs EB back down into another kiss, biting at his mouth just to make him kiss back harder. For a moment he does, thrusting his tongue into ET’s mouth, kissing him hungrily, biting so hard at ET’s bottom lip it might leave a mark.

Soon, though, he slows the kiss back down, and licks gently over ET’s mouth, soothing over the bite mark he just left, kissing it softly. ET shivers and opens his eyes, staring up at EB, still hovering over him.

“What are you doing?” he asks, but it comes out all breathless instead of pissed off.

“If just kissing feels this good - what about all the other stuff those dumb human uses do? Like what if we - went slow?”

Just the thought of it makes ET start to overheat again. “Slow?” He repeats.

EB, hesitantly, kisses his way over to ET’s ear - soft, sucking kisses, too gentle to leave any marks. “Like I’d - I’d eat you out, and then finger you open all slow. One at a time, like we never do it. Make sure not to hurt you. Then I’d push inside you, feel you open up for me - get you in my lap so I could kiss you during - your mouth, and your neck, everywhere I could reach.” As he speaks, EB starts to roll his hips down against ET’s - and ET realizes he’s starting to get hard again. They both are.

He rocks his hips up against EB, slow enough to feel the drag, and the moan that comes out when he throws his head back is all - whiny and high-pitched.

“Fuck, I didn’t know you could sound like that,” EB says, muffling the words against ET’s skin, kissing down his neck, down to his collar.

“Me neither,” he pants out. He keeps pushing up, rubbing off against EB’s skin, cock still trapped in his underwear and his pajamas. The friction feels good like this - surprisingly good, and new, because they’ve never done this either, stayed clothed this long just to rut against each other. “Want it,” he manages to get out, grabbing hard at EB’s shoulders, then wrapping his arms around to hold him close.

“Yeah? You want it like that? Want me to fuck you all slow and soft - get you all worked up before I even push inside you, hold you close and draw it out - touch you so soft you can barely feel it?”

He reaches down and pulls ET’s shirt up - but then ghosts his hand right over his skin, close enough that ET can feel the warmth of him, but none of the pressure. He arches up towards the touch, feeling desperate and sensitive all over, and he sighs when EB’s hand finally brushes over him properly, so soft it makes him shiver, and he clutches harder at EB’s back. “Want you, dude,” he presses against EB’s ear.

“You got me. I’ve got you - gonna fuck you however you want, gonna touch you and kiss you,” EB says, his voice still soft and low right by ET’s cheek. He’s clearly worked up, too, just from thinking about it - just from talking about it. ET can feel his cock, the hard line of it pressed in between them as they both keep thrusting, just rubbing off, too lost in pleasure to pull back and take their clothes off, too caught up in each other.

A thought comes to him, then, and if he weren’t so far gone, maybe he could have stopped himself, but instead it slips out on a moan, right as he rolls his hips up again, feels his cock bump up against EB’s. “Want you - want you to make love to me - like those dumb bogus humans do it.”

Even just saying the words makes his whole system light up. He feels hot and cold all at once, buzzy all over - but it’s the best kind of glitch, the kind that makes the next push of his hips feel even better, and he just keeps rocking up, stupid little noises slipping out with each thrust.

EB groans, falling forward against ET, face pressed against his neck, body heavy against him, both of them just chasing the feeling, totally lost in it.

He can feel EB’s panting breaths against his cheek, and he turns his head to kiss him, pressing their open mouths together, all damp humid breath - and that’s when EB cries out and tenses up, coming against him. He can feel it as much as he can hear it - and when he reaches down to press a hand over the front of EB’s boxers, he can feel where they’re damp.

He glances back up, and EB’s staring down at him, all dazed, eyes hooded, mouth open and red from kissing, and ET gasps, rolls his hips up just a few more times, and comes, surprised by it for the second time that day.

As he slowly comes down, he wraps his arms back around EB’s shoulders and pulls him close again, still finding that there’s nothing more comforting than the full weight of EB’s body pressed on top of him. EB’s hands come up against his sides, pushing up under his shirt, and they both just lay there, breathing heavy.

Tilting his head up, ET presses a kiss against EB’s temple, just whatever skin he can reach - and he laughs as his processors start into overdrive again, whirring loudly.

“Guess we really weren’t built for this,” EB mumbles, but he’s smirking about it when he leans up onto his hands to look down at ET.

“I like it,” ET tells him, scratching his nails lightly down EB’s back. “It’s like we’re breaking the rules. Like one big fuck you to De Nomolos and all those assholes who built us.”

“I guess you’re right,” EB tells him - and he glances down at ET’s lips and kisses him again, lingering long enough he goes all haywire, too, and they both break apart to laugh. “It’s kind of hot,” EB says, digging his fingers into ET’s sides.

“Yeah it is.” He grins, slow and filthy, and nudges his hips up against EB’s. “You wanna go again?”

“Obviously, dipshit,” EB tells him, and this time ET laughs into their kiss, both of them buzzing with it. Quickly, though, EB pulls back and narrows his eyes down at ET. “If we do go fuck those human uses again though - there’s no way we tell them about this, right?”

ET shakes his head, and scoffs. “Oh no way, dude. They’d never let us hear the end of it.”

“Yeah, fuck that,” EB says, and he kisses ET again, hard on the mouth.

Maybe ET owes those stupid good humans something for teaching him how to kiss and everything - but to be fair, he did suck both of them off, and EB gave that good him like a hundred stupid orgasms, so actually, maybe he doesn’t owe them anything at all.

Tag teaming them could still be fun, though. EB had a point with that one. Maybe after he and EB have had about a week to themselves - they’ve got some catching up to do.

**Author's Note:**

> okay again! i will repeat! if this did not jive with your vision of the evil bots please feel free to leave me alone.
> 
> if on the other hand you enjoyed the fic and for some reason got a kick out of my sad horny robot sons, the absolute dipshits they are, please feel free to tell me here, or on twitter @showbenis, or. you know wherever you can find me. thank you for reading!


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